question My father was violent and my mother Emotionally fragile. From around the age of 11, I took on the role of parent, trying to manage my father's mood, keep my mother's mood, and take care of my younger brother.Mom loses weight a lotAffecting me, I felt Responsible for her stability. We were often punished in cruel ways. I was also sexually abused by a “friend” of her family. When we finally escaped from my father, my mother moved her friend into our first “safe” home as a partner, where he continued to abuse me. As adults, my brother and I maintain strict boundaries. This requires judgment from the wider family.
After a lot of therapy, I've managed to build a life for myself, but sometimes it still feels like it's not my own. With a loving partner and warm friends.I have worked in a professional role 15 years.Still I Struggle to feel confident and competent. I am often afraid of losing the life I have built. I keep in touch with her mother because I don't want to hurt her. I know her mother is not aware of the situation, but I don't feel the “normal” feelings people have for their parents.
My mother developed a deterioration in her health. She is vulnerable and needs support. She feels her conflict between her desire to do the right thing and the difficulty of being with her. It's exhausting and anxiety-inducing. She feels herself drawn back to her previous ways of coping, such as allowing her anorexia to relapse.
Philippa's answer You've worked hard to build a great life, but you still have to work hard to keep impostor syndrome at bay so you don't revert to the mindset you left behind in your childhood. yeah. When you spend a lot of time with someone who didn't protect you, someone who ignored your needs but had to take care of her as a child, you start to feel like you're You end up going back to the source of the mental health setback you suffered. It's like going back into the fire after spending a long time recovering from a bad burn. If you are around her mother, you may feel that she has too much control over you and that you have to do what you can to restore equilibrium by controlling food. Shorten your own life.
Although it may look bad to the outside world if you don't practice maternal care, you must prioritize your own health. If she can't take care of herself, you can let adult social services know where she lives, but I'm nervous about you going back to being the source of most of her problems. Don't worry about what the world's expectations are for you and your siblings. If your mother is drowning, don't drown trying to save her.
It's not just the judgment of your entire family that makes your decision difficult. It's difficult because you still have some sort of bond with her. So I can understand why you feel so conflicted. If you want to help, take care of her from a distance and don't risk getting sucked back into her orbit and endangering the life you've worked so hard to build. Tell her local that you and your brother have been neglected and abused, and that while you are both functioning fine now, re-entering her world will put your mental health at risk. If your adult social services are willing to listen, you can explain. Please also feel free to seek legal advice regarding your situation. And if you feel like you need therapy again to maintain your boundaries, go for it (ukcp.org.uk).
Learn more about what your and your siblings' upbringing was like, the legacy it left you, and why you both need the boundaries you set for your well-being. My family doesn't seem to understand. . If you don't feel comfortable confiding in these people, we recommend that you distance yourself from them.
The effects of trauma are often misunderstood, so others may not understand why we feel fear even after the danger has passed. You can tell yourself that you are now safe and in charge of your own life, but that doesn't necessarily reach the part of you that still feels overwhelmed by your mother. As Bessel van der Kolk reminds us in the title of his book about the effects and treatment of trauma, “the body keeps score.” If I were you, I would take care of the lion and never go into its den again.
Recommended reading: the body keeps track of the score Written by Bessel van der Kolk.
If you are affected by any of these issues, please contact Samaritans on 116 123 or Mind on 0300 123 3393.
Philippa Perry will perform at Alser Festival from 12th to 14th July 2024 ( also-festival.com )
Each week, Philippa Perry tackles a personal problem submitted to us by a reader. If you would like advice from Philippa, please submit your issue to askphilippa@guardian.co.uk.Submissions are subject to our Terms of Use