Voter's finger prints after voting. (Photo: Anand Purohit)
Live by Design is a weekly News24 column about mortality and the conversations surrounding it, by Dr Helena Dolny and Mapi Murang.
Last month we marked 30 years since our first democratic election. I can't stop thinking about her late husband, Joe Slovo. May 23rd is approaching, his birthday is approaching, and a trip to Avalon Cemetery is in my diary. And then Election Day arrives on May 29th. People ask each other who will they vote for and why?
Denver, the handyman, came with his son to fix my window. He noticed Joe and Madiba, Alfred Nzo, Chris Hani and Cyril Ramaphosa in his family photo. He made the comment without being asked: “That was a different ANC than we have now. Corruption destroyed that ANC.”
As they were leaving, I asked the young man if he intended to take over his father's work. My son proudly replied that he had passed this year's university exam and was aiming to become a lawyer. His father comments that under apartheid his parents were taken to Mitchells Plain and have worked hard for the past 30 years to return to Lansdowne. He was also able to ensure that his son went to a good school and received a better education that he himself was not able to receive. Although he hopes for a better life for his son, he reflects on the disadvantages of being classified as a person of color and not being considered black enough. I listen to the rhythm of Denver's gentle voice. He is calm, calm and articulate. His attitude is that he is at peace with himself and how he lives his life.
Five years ago, I had a female coaching client in her mid-50s. In her 40s, she was a powerful executive in the entertainment industry. After going through the double trauma of illness and divorce, she was slowly moving forward. She said: “I want another part of the big life.” She liked power, glamor, money and champagne. Her desire created dissatisfaction and fueled both her ambition and greed.
She and Denver must probably be the same age. Of the two, Denver is the one who is more grounded in herself, her fatherhood, her community, and her country.
Next week I will be teaching a session on personal leadership. My starting point has always been that each of us, in our own role, is the leader of our own lives.
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My friend and former mentor, Nancy Klein, tells a story about when she was a young teacher. She found herself in a difficult situation. My recollection is that the parents of her students took issue with her novels that she encouraged her students to read. The principal listened to her and when she finished speaking, she said, “No matter what happens, remember that your students are learning you.” This phrase, “Your students are learning about you,” has since become one of her north stars.
All parents are role models for their children. Sociologists and therapists believe that many parents are aware of negative childhood patterns, such as the fact that children who grew up with abusive parents have a difficult time breaking away from their abusive partners on their own. I am writing.
Anyone, large or small, who finds themselves in a supervisory role, whether it's a committee chair, a team leader in a business unit, or an entrepreneur who pays employees monthly and takes a hard look at performance. How many are there? Each position requires choosing a leadership style.
What level of consultation is appropriate? When do you simply give instructions? How open are you to other points of view? How aware are you of the balance between how much appreciation you express and how often you criticize? (Research by the HeartMath Institute and John Gottman has shown that the amygdala This study shows how powerful being kind is and how much positive reinforcement is needed to balance out how badly criticism can make us feel and crush our confidence. It teaches us that actions are the basis of a person. A long-lasting relationship.
It takes a lot of self-reflection to develop the self-awareness and intentionality to shape your life and the relationships that connect it authentically. It can be quite a quest to guide yourself in a way that resonates and stay true to the role model you want to be.
I was surprised that Kate Middleton, Princess of Wales, was mentioned as a case study for students to think about. What does such a privileged person have to offer? I found a special issue of Town & Country titled “Kate: Grace Under Pressure” on a magazine rack at the airport and, out of curiosity, I bought it.
The perspective of this profile is that Kate understands that her position in the world affects many people, and she takes that responsibility seriously. In her world and her public involvement, she increasingly accepts that she cannot be carefree or careless. Think about how the photo editing of her family snapshots caused her distress. The magazine's special issue explores how Kate, Duchess of Wales, chooses to raise her children and make sure they spend time outdoors, how she interacts with grandparents, and how the Princess of Wales talks about her cancer. Perhaps because she chose this, she focuses on her own weaknesses that she shows when she is sick. She describes how difficult it was to talk about her illness with her young children and, last but not least, how carefully she chooses the charities she supports. The Kate we see is the epitome of intentionality.
The question for you is, “What do you want people to say when they talk about you?” Are you surprised by what people say about how you feel? Or have you successfully lived according to plan and shaped their story? My view is that we are cogs in the wheel of history. And that what matters most is not the size of our lives, but the integrity and intentionality with which we choose to live.
Cover of Before Forever After by Dr. Helena Dolny. (staging post)
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